This summer it’ll be two years since I dropped my Weight Watchers subscription, tossed my scale, and fessed up to engaging in bulimic behaviors in an effort to control my weight.

I went back into therapy and focused on self-acceptance. I’m still there, still working on it. I am also the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I am sure that no one in my life notices this except me, or cares.

A few weeks ago, my therapist asked me to consider that I am surrounded by people who love me, who appreciate me, and who are grateful to have me in their life…and that literally no part of that has a single thing to do with how I look or what size clothes I wear.

It was the kind of thing that should have snapped me out of my funk over my current weight, and for a few hours, sure, it did. Then I settled quite comfortably back into suspecting that no matter what progress I have made in letting go of codependency, in seeking validation from others instead of myself…that part of me will simply never be good enough for me. I can’t go back in time to have better parents — parents not so focused on their addiction or their partner that they couldn’t help their children build their self-esteem. There’s a hole in my heart that I can never fill, and I am working towards accepting that and learning to live in a way where that hole is not the most important thing about me. But lately that has felt like a losing battle, that it is something I can never get past, never grieve enough, never dig my way out of. I can only choose my reaction.

With that in mind, I’ve decided that there must be some balance between the hyper-self-policing over diet and exercise that was my life on Weight Watchers and the current indulging-every-craving-regardless-of-the-consequences behavior that signifies my constant, low-grade depression. Simply, I am not enjoying my life, despite the incredible bounty of things to be grateful for, and I am not really doing anything to change that. I’ve reached a plateau of self-acceptance and find myself stuck.

It may be a misguided and dangerous step, but on Monday, DH and I are going to start the Whole30. Losing weight would be nice, but the main goal here is to learn to deal with cravings and to learn what effects my diet has on my depression, migraines, and inability to sleep through the night, to treat my body better, and to solidify the difference between what my body honestly craves and needs, and what my heart tells me will make me feel better. I won’t see my therapist prior to starting the plan, but the timing is right for us to start Monday. If she has serious concerns about what I’m doing as it relates to my past behavior, I will stop the plan.

I’m laying this out here publicly for accountability. If anyone has any experience with obsessive-compulsive eating disorders and the Whole30 (or even, you know, favorite recipes to share 🙂 ), I would love to hear from you.

2 thoughts on “W30

  1. Paully

    I’ll support this in the rehearsal environment and personally with check ins. If you’re okay with that. You are important to me and I care about you.

    Liked by 1 person


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