Birthday, binge eating, and boredom

I turn 43 today, which isn’t as hard as I thought it would be, because I kind of thought I was forty-three all year and kept being surprised when the actual match told me I was actually forty-two. But then I think I’m just saying ‘it’s hard to get older’ because that’s something you’re supposed to say when you get older. It doesn’t actually depress me. In fact I have nothing to really be depressed about right now — I’m a member of the stellar cast of a bang-up hit show, my husband is amazing as ever, my friends are awesome, my job is good, and we’re going on vacation in 46 days, for 11 days. All’s well.

Of course it comes back to weight loss eventually. While not depressed, exactly, I am frustrated with myself. Why? Because I am a human being who hasn’t figured everything out yet, as far as I can reckon. My weight has crept up the last few weeks as I have been binge-eating and not exercising as much. My binges are not dramatic — I think the worst it gets is wolfing down two bags of Cheez-Its from the vending machine (14 WW Points, for perspective — and my daily allotment of Points is 26). I understand that my condition isn’t dire and there are a lot of folks with much more serious troubles in this area than me. Still, this is what I’m dealing with and what I’m having trouble working through. I enjoy the results of eating right and exercising so much. Until I just stop caring and feel completely defeated and just say f@#$ it, I’m going to eat all of these chips because it just doesn’t matter, and I’m not going to workout today because I just don’t feel like and who cares and blah blah blah. Or, alternatively, there are seventeen leftover sandwiches in the lunch room and even though I’ve already eaten my reasonable and delicious lunch, I obsess over those sandwiches until the only thing that will allow me to focus and get back to my life is to have one. Or two, depending. Or I get a craving for some particular food and can’t think straight until I get it. Or most frequently, I am bored with whatever I am doing at work, and for whatever reason, I believe that eating something — a lot of something — will fix it. It never does, and I just end up craving more salt or sugar.

I have some strategies for dealing with these moments but they don’t always work — like not having change for the vending machine was one that really served me for awhile, until my addictive voice explained how easy it would be to just hop on the elevator and visit the convenience store in the lobby. Sometimes instead of binge-ing I spend a few minutes figuring out my exercise plan for the evening. But let’s face it, most of the time I just indulge. I’m not hungry, but I eat anyway.

To me this says there is something missing in my life and I don’t know what it is. Some wound I have not healed. I have been resisting going back into therapy, but I sure as heck don’t want to live the rest of my life like this, and for sure my efforts to control everything I eat all the time by tracking it and measuring and getting all obsessed over it aren’t working. Maybe I need to read some more Geneen Roth. I know I cannot read one more article about dieting and weight loss right this second. I met with a Reiki therapist yesterday but I don’t know if I really believe in that. I certainly feel funny actually spending money on it, and that isn’t a good sign. Maybe I just need to suck it up and go visit my old therapist again and get her perspective.

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