A rush, and then an observation

Yesterday I was a passenger on a city bus that stopped short — like, screech to a halt from 50 mph stopped short — on a busy expressway during rush hour. I was sitting way in the back, facing the side, so I saw nothing, but the young woman who was sitting on the back bench (and who went flying about fifteen when the bus driver hit the brakes – she swore up and down she was okay, despite the tumble) claimed to have seen what happened. A car was stopped on the expressway (an odd occurrence), and the driver was simply approaching it too fast and couldn’t change lanes. So he hit the brakes and sent everyone on the bus crashing into whatever was in front of them.

One person on the bus was taken away in an ambulance. I have no idea if there were other injuries. I myself just slammed into the seat next to me and have a burgeoning bruise on my left upper arm to show for it. My neck felt a little twinged, but it passed quickly and hasn’t returned. Almost everyone remaining signed a form saying they refused the fire department’s offer to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. It didn’t preclude us from going later, and they seemed to be saying it didn’t have anything to do with any follow-up anyone might want to pursue with the department of public transportation. One gentlemen didn’t want to go in an ambulance but also didn’t want to sign anything. He seemed confused. I’m not sure what he ended up doing.

All told, if you’re going to get in a bus accident in a major city on a busy expressway at rush hour, you’re going to want to have any experience no worse than mine. I walked away just fine, just half an hour late for work.

I had a strange experience the rest of the day, though. My example is lunch. I’ve stopped bringing lunches to work so I can learn to trust my own judgment about what to get and how much and you know, normal-eater things like that. Yesterday I got in late, eventually consumed the hard-boiled egg and half a grapefruit I brought for breakfast (I’m never particularly hungry in the mornings, though I also usually have some instant oatmeal on hand in case). I didn’t have a lot to do in the office yesterday, which is normally a trigger for obsessing over food in some way. But I wasn’t. I didn’t. I just went about quietly entertaining myself on the internet, and when I eventually looked up it was after twelve and I finally felt some pangs of hunger.

I went to the grocery store down the block, ordered a 12-ounce soup and made myself a small salad from the salad bar. I came back to my desk and read while I ate my soup. When I finished it, I turned to my salad, ate three bites and felt…done.

I can’t explain how this never happens.

Even when I feel full in the middle of a meal, I never ever feel done.

So I put my salad in the fridge for later, if and when I felt hungry again.

And I thought, this is how normal people eat.

A friend suggested that the rush of adrenaline from the almost-accident on the bus that morning may have had an unintended effect on my usual food fixation at the office. That I was jolted out of my obsessive behaviors for a time, and I think there may be something to that. I’m not, like, cured or anything, but it was interesting, scary, and kind of nice to have a few hours where I understood what it might be like to have a less-fraught relationship with food. I’m trying to figure out how to capitalize upon the experience. Suggestions welcome. 🙂

2 thoughts on “A rush, and then an observation

  1. Johnny

    Maybe it’s just that you found yourself living more fully NOW and not thinking or worrying about the future. From a lot of your posts the worry that you won’t get part of something or that there won’t be any of x food left seems to be a big trigger for you. Maybe that jolt of danger made you more in tune with now and less concerned about the future or your past. As far as how to keep going- there are so many different skills and art forms that focus on existing in the moment- do you have any of your food concerns when you’re on stage? Also- you’re awesome and I’m glad you’re ok. Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. matahari71 Post author

    I think you are spot on, my friend. No, I never have those kinds of concerns onstage when I am fully present and engaged in the work.



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