I just got an email that my latest Fix should be delivered today and I realized I hadn’t posted about anything not-clothing related in a long while. Maybe it’s time for an update before the year ends.
There isn’t all that much to report, though, since recovery isn’t something that happens overnight, but incrementally, a choice at a time, and sometimes, only when the opportunity arises to go a different way. Right now I’d guess I weigh more than I have in several years and while that’s frustrating due to years of indoctrinated thinking, I am more concerned with generally not feeling as well as I would like. My migraines are getting worse. I get out of breath during workouts that were easier last year and I’m not as tolerant of eating a lot, or a lot of carb- or cheese-heavy stuff. Of course coming off Thanksgiving week that isn’t much of a shock, and also I know the solution is to be more mindful about what I am eating, when, and why. I get jealous of other addicts whose only option is to stop using their drug of choice altogether. Personally I don’t believe an addict can moderate. But here I am with no choice. And in general, I cry more often than I usually do. To be clear, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s out of the ordinary. I am less patient, more inclined to step back and hibernate, a little more interested in just getting through the day than in being grateful for every minute that I get.
I’m coming off a busy time and heading into winter with only a couple of short-term theatre commitments, and I’m consciously taking this respite to build better habits, be more mindful, and prepare as I can for a role I’m playing next fall in a show that hasn’t been announced yet. All I can say about it is that it’s important to me that I’m as ready as I can be when those rehearsals begin.
It’s natural to reflect at this time of year about where I’ve been and where I’m headed, and I usually head into the holiday season with some blend of hope, exhaustion, merriment and an ache to spend time with the people I love. This year feels different. This year WAS different. We lost people close to us. People close to us lost people close to them. The circles just kept overlapping, one after another, and it was darkly oppressive so much of the time, but also I met and bonded with so many wonderful people, grew closer to those I already loved, and felt connected to my community in a way I never have before. I think…I think all of it, the bad stuff, the good stuff, the in-between stuff, has just left me more exhausted this year. I hope in the next few weeks I find some spark, some inspiration, and a way to look forward to 2016.
(Edited to add: please forgive the tone of this post. You want cheer? Go listen to Hamilton already, you won’t regret it. Back soon with more clothes to review. xoxo)