I’ve been sick with a cold all week, couldn’t take very much time off work, and my DH and I are nearing the breaking point for how completely off two married people’s schedules can be from each other. I’m not in the strongest frame of mind. I’m exhausted, weakened, overworked, frustrated, and a little lonely. Technically, I’m overbooked this weekend, but with the kind of warm, hanging-with-friends-who-are-also-artists events and gatherings that I don’t want to miss. I have dinner with a friend at an Italian restaurant planned for tonight so I’ve planned sensible meals and snacks until then, and I had hoped today would be quiet but steady at the office.
I had been here five minutes when the woman who sits behind me asking me if i wanted some Dunkin Donuts Munchkins. “Come on,” she said hoarsely, because she’s probably the person who brought her sick germs in here and infected me in the first place. Two minutes ago, one of the marketing girls breezed by, calling out to our entire side of the office, “Did you see the DOUGHNUTS?” I am afraid to go into the kitchen because I’m guessing there are even more doughnuts in there. In addition to the Munchkins box ten feet behind me and to the left. It’s a doughnut minefield around here.
Like the alcoholic who dreams of being able to moderate one day, I cannot have just one. I won’t. I don’t have the willpower to just have a taste of something sweet and bready. If I have one bite, I will want to have more, and I don’t want to do that. And I’m surrounded. I think every third day at this office, I face this kind of challenge: my willpower vs. overwhelming abundance of shit that tastes good. Shit that will be within a couple of steps until other people eat it all, which could take anywhere from ten minutes to four hours.
It’s the obsession that makes me angry; the inability to stop thinking about it until I either give in and have eight Munchkins or they all go away. That’s what I want relief from. That’s what I am supposed to turn over to a Higher Power so I can let go of it, and that’s where I am kind of stuck. To me, abstinence would be not bingeing when I’m not hungry. I have been using the HabitRPG app (because I am a nerd) and I only have two “Habits” on there I want to promote. One of them is “Eating only planned meals and snacks”. I haven’t been able to hit the + button on that one yet. I’d like to do it today, but we’ll see. Theoretically, it was going to be a prime day for it — low-key at the office with lots of projects to occupy me, then a nice Italian dinner (keep in mind I’m not calorie-counting, so a Weight Watchers Nightmare of a Meal isn’t a “binge” to me, it’s just a big meal — I’m simultaneously working on being able to stop eating when I’m full even if there is still food on my plate), then a show, and then home to bed.
And then, the doughnuts. The word doughnut has been said, loudly, no less than twenty times in the last ten minutes since I started writing this post. I haven’t had one yet. I can’t promise I won’t — despite this cold having sapped my taste buds entirely, I still have a powerful compulsion to just go get one and get it the hell overwith. But I’m going to try.
I’ve begun contributing to another WordPress blog called Rational Creatures. A friend of mine gathered together a bunch of very talented women together to write in one place and so far, we’ve had four posts ranging in topics from cancer treatments to whatever the eff is up with Usher. Check it out!