A Seed Planted

So many of the issues I have faced in my life have stemmed from or at least been exacerbated by a need to control the people, places and things around me — not out of malice but in an effort to feel safe. This is the main survival strategy I developed as the child of an alcoholic parent, one of those ones that no longer has meaning in my life but which is so ingrained as to sneak up on me now and then. Hm, maybe more often than that.

I’m not suggesting I haven’t come a long way in this regard because I give myself every kudo for having done exactly that, but it’s time to examine why I feel like my weight and how I care for myself is some exception to my general philosophy that I would much much rather let go than be dragged?

Because, is it? I really don’t have the answer. On the one hand, the one thing in my control is me, for the most part. I can’t do anything about my genetics or my age, but I can determine what is good to put in my body and what isn’t, and how much of each. I can control how much activity I get and how often. I believe I should try to manage these things for my health, but the fact is I am almost as healthy at the high end of my weight range as I am at the lower end; it’s a fairly insignificant range. It’s also a fact that I feel better physically and emotionally at the lower end of that range; that IS significant. The last time I had a check-up my doctor noted a slight heart murmur, and I won’t know if my changes in lifestyle have had an impact on that until I go back.

What all this is leading up to is wondering if I should let go of my Weight Watchers online subscription. It’s only $18 a month, and the plan has for sure worked for me. I would hate to lose access to all the recipes on their site, but we have collected enough of them to last a lifetime. I feel a fear of letting go of the tracking tools and just trying to eat better on my own without counting. And that. of course is where the control issue comes in. Does the tracking feed my generally unhealthy need to control something that is not controllable (i.e., my hunger)? Or is this an example of where it is healthy to try to manage something that can be emotionally driven (I often feel hungry when I am bored, lonely, angry, tired, all that fun stuff)?

Like I said, I don’t have the answer. I certainly never imagined I would still be paying that monthly cost three years after I first signed up. Do I want to still be paying it three years from now? Surely there must come a time when you let go of the Plan and trust that you have absorbed the Tools well enough to make better choices? Is there a reason I don’t feel like eating to Plan has become a habit yet — and if so, is it me or is it the Plan?

All this is stirred up because I shifted into Maintenance mode (i.e., extra Daily Points) and had a gain of over a pound at my weigh-in this morning. I’m still below goal, and I think I mentioned that last week’s drop was more than desired, so I am not upset with the number. I am a bit frustrated with not understanding how Maintenance works for me, but I really just need to accept that it will take longer than 7 days to figure that out.

I am contemplating a target of being Plan free by 2015. I’d like to make it earlier but I feel that trying to do it near our August vacation is a recipe for failure, but trying to do it before then without enough time to establish good Plan-free habits is another, especially considering I have another rehearsal period and run coming up before then.

It’s enough right now to start contemplating it. I will also talk to my husband about how he’d feel if we didn’t have the recipe resource available to us since he does all of the cooking. Already I feel anxious when I consider us using a new recipe that doesn’t give us that “PP per serving” value that makes me understand how to fit it into my day. Trying to remind myself that no one ever died from being uncomfortable, though.

2 thoughts on “A Seed Planted

  1. Chelsea Paice

    Enjoyed this post. I think I’ve mentioned it to you before, but this book is really helpful in talking about mindfulness and the mental weirdness many (like me!) have around eating, while trying to break away from both the tracking/control mindset and the binge mindset:


    In case you care, the “God” in the title is more in the fashion of AA’s concept of “God” – a higher power as you understand it. It’s not a book for any specific religion, or even necessarily for religious readers.


    1. matahari71 Post author

      Ooh, you have mentioned a couple of books before, but I don’t think this one specifically…and i have some Amazon credit for the Kindle purchase. Thanks!



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